


A Headache and a Heartbreak

by swoopswoop



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, F/M, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-13 00:49:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7955647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swoopswoop/pseuds/swoopswoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been three years since Anders moved in with her and three years of him slowly growing away from her.<br/>An argument and a lapse in judgement places Hawke in a position that she never expected to be and is completely unprepared for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Headache and a Heartbreak

It had been a long day. A very long day.

It started off with a simple trip to the Wounded Coast; just a standard walk out for their group. And it was standard even as they stumbled across the first group of Tal-Vashoth. It was all routine. Right until that blasted rogue saarebas had made its appearance. Now, Hawke had nothing against mages. In fact, she felt particularly _bad_ for the saarebas and how they were treated but it was hard to feel bad for them when they were throwing exploding balls of light at her.

And she never saw them coming. Particularly when the saarebas snuck up behind her. One minute, she was watching Fenris sink his blade into the abdomen on the last Tal-Vashoth and the next she was on her back, the world tipping around the edges and a horrible pain in her back when she came to, blinking away the sun as Isabela’s smug expression came into view.

“And the sleeping beauty awakes,” the pirate declared as Varric chuckled and Fenris offered her a hand up.

Six hours, and some more fights later, Hawke was exhausted. Her head was still raging and she wanted nothing more than to cuddle up in bed with a large glass of wine. She was done for the day; done with fighting, done with putting up with Isabela's innuendos and done with wearing armour. So, of course, her mood had only deteriorated when she tripped over a rock and twisted her ankle. Isabela had laughed herself breathless whilst Hawke stared daggers, warning all not to say a word, and accepted Fenris’ help to hobble home.

“Do you need any more assistance?” Fenris asked at the door to her estate. It had been just the two of them since they left Lowtown and surprisingly quiet without the rogues telling tales.

“I should be alright,” she smiled as he lowered her arm and stepped back to consider her. “Anders might be home if I need help.”

Fenris merely raised an eyebrow. Hawke knew why.

Anders hadn’t been around for _anything_ lately. Things had been going well between them up to the Arishok’s defeat and in the three years since, it had been a steady decline. Anders was slipping. His nights on the desk scribbling away his manifesto became longer, his meetings with ‘contacts’ had become more and more elusive and though he was available to her if she asked for a mission, it didn’t feel that way.

In the past week, Hawke had gone to bed alone every night and woken up the same. Sometimes she felt the bed dip in the night, or fingers brush against her hair, but she couldn’t be entirely sure that it wasn’t in her mind. Fenris knew this. Whilst she hadn’t actually stated her relationship was strained, those closest to her could see it. Aveline had asked softly a month ago and Hawke had brushed her off. What else could she do? Admit that she couldn’t keep hold of Anders? That she wasn’t enough for him?

More than once she’d imagined giving him an ultimatum: _it’s me or it’s the mage rebellion_. But she couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair. His cause was just, he wanted to help his fellow mages. Hawke respected that. She just wished it wasn't the only thing he had time for anymore. That and she had no idea if she would win that demand. The thought alone terrified her into silence.

“And Bodahn and Orana,” she added glancing down not wanting to admit defeat.

“Good.” Fenris’ voice was gruff as usual but there was something protective in there too, something that lit a flicker in her heart she actively squashed. They had had their time together and it had been too much for Fenris. She had accepted that and though it had been an awkward few months when she had gotten together with Anders, they were back to what they were before. Fenris was a good friend and she felt valued in his company more than she should if she listened to his self-deprecating rants. “If you are not well enough tomorrow for our usual lesson – “

“I’ll be fine,” she told him squeezing his arm. He didn’t like contact but it slipped out. When he said nothing she let herself relaxing, adding, “If I am not at yours by the usual time, come here instead?”

“Of course, Hawke. Good night.”

The elf walked away but she had the feeling he was lurking as she dipped inside, waiting until the door was shut to actually go home. Maker knows it wouldn’t have been the first time.

Hawke limped through the antechamber wondering how bad she had twisted it that it still shot pain through her spine. Bodahn came forwards the moment he realised she was injured, offering what support he could.

“Mistress Hawke, what happened?”

“I had a falling out with a rock,” she stated rolling her eyes. “Is Anders home?”

Bodahn paused for a moment, gesturing for Orana who came and helped support her on the opposite side. “Err – no, my lady. We’ve not seen Ser Anders in a few days. I could go and fetch him if you need a healer – “

There was a stab of something in her heart. It felt more like regret than sadness as she slowly shook her head. “It’s fine, I just need to bathe and strap it.”

“Of course, my lady. Right away. Once we’ve gotten you down of course.”

\------

Hawke woke in the morning, alone in her large bed, no other sounds in the house so early. She moved her ankle in a circular motion. No pain.

She moved the covers off and the bandage was gone.

“ _Anders_ ,” she said softly under her breath. It hurt more than an ogre’s charge to breathe but she kept going. She had faced the Arishok and won. She could handle this.

Even with magic, she didn't want to push herself and spent the day checking in on her friends. It was a calm day. Not every day could be blood, magic, slavers and fighting. Although the city did like to try it's best to prove her wrong.

The break gave her time to enjoy walking through the streets alone and actually get a good lunch that Bodahn prepared. She was waiting in the main room when a thought struck her. It was unlikely to work and she knew it but she wanted to try. Whatever was happening between them, she couldn’t doubt that Anders still cared for her, but some days she wasn’t even sure it was Anders anymore.

Bodahn was more than willing to pack two lunches for her and she headed down to the clinic. It hadn’t been long since she’d been down but since last time his ‘private’ area had become awash with papers, books, empty ink pots. It looked as though someone had robbed a library as she blinked.

The cots were all empty, not a soul in sight and Anders was nowhere to be seen. To look at the clinic then would be to assume he had stopped healing and she knew that wasn’t true. Anders was proud of his role of a healer. She bit her lip as she looked around.

There were no signs of where he might have gone and if or when he would return here.

She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and sat at the small table at the back and laid out the food and slowly, painfully slowly she ate her half. It must have taken her an hour to finish her bread and cheese and another to finish her goblet of wine.

The sky was darkening when she had no choice but to give in. Leaving his food there, should he return, she packed up and headed to Fenris’ mansion, thoughts of Anders heavy on her mind. Thoughts that managed to shift to the back of her mind when she heard him speak. Fenris had made massive steps since they had begun their reading and writing lessons and could make do on his own for the most part now. Aside from the odd word he did not stumble like he used and she simply sat and stared into the fire as his gentle reading drifted through the air. It was soothing, calming and entirely too disarrming. 

She did not notice that he had stopped, did not notice that her cheeks were wet either until a cautious finger wiped one of the droplets away. She turned startled.

“I had not realised that my reading was so terrible,” he spoke with soft eyes.

“I am sorry, Fenris. And it’s not. Honestly, you were doing really well. My mind was not focused.”

“A common theme,” he closed the book and settled it down, turning his full attention to her. “Speak your mind, Hawke and I will listen.”

She wasn’t sure if she should. They had gotten back their friendship but she had purposefully avoided flaunting Anders before him. It felt like doing just that now and she clenched her hands together unsure what to say. Maker knows she wanted to get it off of her chest but –

“You have listened to me, whenever I have had need,” his voice was low. “Let me do the same for you. Is it about Anders?”

Rubbing her hands over her face, she nodded. The words were hard to say. “I – I think I am losing him to Justice. Or Vengeance. Or whatever the hell it is. All he cares about is his plight,” she hissed the word and it wasn’t fair. The cause was deserved but why was it all or nothing? Why couldn’t she help him? “He doesn’t come home anymore. At least, not when I am awake.”

“Leave then.” 

Hawke turned to him wide-eyed and just stared, waiting for an explanation. “You deserve to be happy, Hawke. If he no longer makes you happy, then leave.”

“I can’t just – “

“Why not?” he pushed. “What reason have you to stay?” 

“I love him.”

Fenris paused, eyes cast to the floor as he gave a short nod. “Sometimes, it is better to love from afar.”

It was a wave that washed over her, a reminder of just how deeply Fenris cared for her. Her mind betrayed her with thoughts of their night together. It was not a slow burn but an all-consuming one. He had taken her in a way that made everything else disappear. Hawke took a deep breath and tried to let the guilt that attacked her pass. Guilt for what, she could not pinpoint, but it was there.

“I can’t leave him,” she finally spoke the words feeling weighted in the air between them. “Not when I know that the Anders I fell in love with is still in there somewhere.” 

Fenris nodded and stood, she alongside him. It wasn’t an order but she felt that their time that evening had drawn to a close. “Then you know what to do and I am here for you, should you wish to talk.”

“Thank you, Fenris,” she did not dare touch him or hug him like she might have if it were Isabela or Aveline. “I really appreciate it.”

With a small nod, she was dismissed. As she entered her estate and the house empty, as she climbed into a cold barren bed, as she shut her eyes and was greeted by deafening silence, she could not stop thinking on Fenris’ words. Laying in her family home, knowing it was just her now, reminded her of how much she didn’t want to be alone.

But was she more alone now, than she would be if she left? Hawke honestly didn’t know.

\------

 

“I have a message for you, Messere,” Bodahn greeted when she began walking down the stairs, nodding at him to continue as she entered the kitchen and tore at a loaf of bread, eating as the dwarf continued. “Ser Anders has requested that you speak to him in his clinic.”

“You spoke to Anders?” she asked in disbelief, spraying bread crumbs at the dwarf who merely brushed them off.

“Aye. Last night before you returned he popped in.”

“Of all the times to come home, why would he do so when he knew I was at Fenris’?” she shook her head partly in jealousy that he had not come to her. The cryptic nature of requiring her to go to his clinic did not sit well with her either.

“I do not know, my lady.”

With a nod and a gulp of water to wash down her hasty breakfast, she headed down hoping to finally catch him. There were people in the clinic again when she arrived and she was glad, calming herself that it must just have been a fluke when she came and it was empty. Anders was already pacing though. No longer his calm, easy going self.

She approached him and he saw her, coming to stand closer but with a continued aura of apprehension.

“I am going to be trying something,” he spoke with no greeting. Cutting straight to the point. She tried not to be offended. It wasn't like it was the first conversation that they had held in a week. “And I thought you’d want to be part of it. We’ve both been wrong. What I did with justice was unnatural. It should never have happened.”

Her heart jumped in her throat but she hesitated as she considered him. “Is there some way to undo it?”

“I’ve spent the past three years researching the methods of Tevinter magisters,” Hawke closed her eyes for a second glad that she hadn’t brought Fenris along for this particular conversation. “They’re the only ones who have ever sought to reverse spirit possession, not just behead the victims. I believe that I have a formula for a potion that can separate Justice and me. Without killing either.”

It sounded like exactly what they needed and she wanted to jump for joy that he had thought this too but something didn’t sit right. It was too perfect, too good to be true and after the last seven years she didn’t believe in that anymore.

Still, she offered her support only to feel unease as he spoke, “I knew you’d stand behind me in this. Even if – “

“Even if what?”

“Nothing. I’ve gathered most of what I need but there are some outlandish ingredients.”

Hawke did not like the hesitation. There was something he wasn’t telling her. Something that was going to come back to kick her in the arse. So she asked more questions and listened to his answers, wondering how what he was telling her would reverse a spirit possession. Anders remained elusive.

When he gave her all he would, and spoke about the entrance in dark town she hesitated. It was just the two of them.

“Okay, we’ll go as soon as we get the others.”

Anders gaze dipped, his expression remained mostly neutral but tightened just a touch. “Who were you thinking?”

“Fenris and Varric,” she said without hesitation watching his face but he gave away nothing as he nodded.

“I will wait here for you.” 

Something wasn’t right. Something was really wrong and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know what.

\-----

Crawling through sewers – truly her _favourite_ activity – followed by going back to the blasted bone pit to fight drakes was hardly her idea of fun. Although Varric complained vehemently, she remained silent throughout like Fenris. She was watching Anders, not sure what she was looking for, but as she studied him shrewdly she realised that she didn’t trust him.

She wasn’t sure when or where her trust in him had waivered but as he collected these ingredients, with the twitch in his voice and doubt in his eyes, she could no longer trust him completely. Hawke didn’t voice her concerns.

Not until they headed back to his clinic and he looked at her with uncertainty.

“There is one more thing I need of you, my love. And I can’t tell you why. I must get inside the Chantry, without being seen. Will you talk to the Grand Cleric for me? Distract her long enough for me to do what must be done?” 

 Hawke hesitated. “Tell me your plan.”

“You would not thank me if I told you.” Hawke bristled. “If you support freedom for mages, help me. That’s all I can say.” 

“What is it you don’t want me to see?”

“Do you believe in me, love? Do you believe mages deserve to live free of the Templars grasp? Then trust me now, I am doing only what is necessary.”

“Was this ever about you and Justice? Or have you lied this whole time?”

“I lied.” The words cut her more dearly than she expected. It was one thing to mistrust another entirely to be proved correct. “There is no potion. But what we have gathered will bring freedom for more than just me and Justice. It will help mages throughout Thedas. In the face of that, one lie means little.”

“So all of this was a rouse?” Hawke demanded feeling months of pent up frustration escape her lips. “A lie? What are you planning, Anders? Tell me now or so help me – “ 

“If you love me, you’ll do this. No questions asked.”

It was blackmail. She knew it was blackmail and he knew it too. The room felt tense and she wished that it were just her and him and Fenris and Varric weren’t standing inconspicuously a few feet behind.

“And if you loved me,” she replied softly forcing his eyes to her, showing all the pain she felt in her own. “You wouldn’t give me an ultimatum. Let me think. I’ll give you my answer tomorrow.”

She turned and walked away, footsteps too quick for Varric to keep up and Fenris had enough sense to know that she needed to be alone at that moment. If she agreed to this then she would be responsible for whatever plot he had, whatever poor decision he made. If she didn’t, she had no chance of controlling Justice and she knew this was Justice.

At the heart of it, this lie, this deceit was all Justice.

\-----

Anders didn’t come home that night and Hawke didn’t go see him in the morning with her decision. Instead she went to see Fenris, to try and calm herself down as she had been unable to on her own. She was greeted by raised voices between Aveline and Fenris and hurried up the stairs, forgetting her own aches in favour of his.

“Are you certain it’s her?” Fenris demanded and as Hawke entered she saw Aveline sat at the table, trying vaguely to calm the elf.

“An elf matching your description, on the ship you named. And alone, as far as I could tell.”

Fenris’ anger and fear were palpable as he slammed his fists down on the table, “I need to know if it’s a trap!”

“I did as you asked, Fenris. Now it’s up to you,” Aveline stood and came over to her a hint of frustration in tired eyes. “You talk to him, Hawke. I’ve had my fill for today.”

“Venhedis! Fasta vas!”

“Maybe it’s just me, but I’d swear you’re upset.”

Sarcasm was perhaps not the best route but Hawke was not in the best place herself. Thankfully he sighed, shoulders dropped rather than charging at her or anything like that. “It’s my sister. I didn’t tell you but I followed up on Hadriana’s information. Everything she said was true. I had to keep it quiet but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me. And now she’s here.”

“She was in Qarinus after all?” 

“My sister left Magister Ahriman’s service, and I found her in Minrathous. That made things more difficult. But according to the men I paid, it’s just as Hadriana said. She’s not a slave. She’s a tailor, in fact. Getting a letter to her was difficult, and she didn’t believe me at first but now she’s finally come.”    

“You’re worried Danarius knows?”

“The more it seems he doesn’t, the more certain I become that he does! Come with me, Hawke. I need you there when I meet her.”

“Of course I’ll help.”

“If we go to the Hanged Man during the day, she’ll be there. For the next week at least. It would mean a lot to me. That’s all I ask.”

“Let’s go.”

There was such relief in his eyes as he picked up his sword and she was glad to help. They walked in silence to the Hanged Man, apprehension in his shoulders and step. Varric and Isabela would already be there to help out and if things went south, Hawke was sure they could handle it but she would have preferred Aveline with them too.   

And, of course, it did. Hawke felt Fenris’ pain as her own when his sister had betrayed him. She did not stop him after he had crushed Danarius’ throat from doing something similar to Varania. Nor did she stop him when he left, leaving Hawke, Varric and Isabela to clean up the mess. Nora wasn’t best pleased but with a smile and a bag of coin she shut up as long as they got rid of the bodies.

It was a long time before Hawke was free to make it back to Hightown and her first stop was Fenris’ mansion. It was a difficult slog, having let Isabela and Varric carry on with their days as she finished up cleaning blood stains. The walk back was tiring and she had already felt drained before she ended up watching Fenris kill his sister.

It didn’t really surprise her that someone else had gotten there first. Varric’s voice filtered down the stairs as she made her way up them, realising a few sore spots on the way.

“You don’t need to stay in this pit anymore, you know. Not that you haven’t, err, fixed it up nicely.” 

“It’s falling apart, and my ability to keep the seneschal from taking notice is nearing an end.”

“I appreciate what you’ve done, Aveline.”

“But you’re staying. You could go anywhere now!” Varric’s disbelief was palpable and made her smile as she walked into the room and Aveline stood.

“Perhaps I don’t wish to go anywhere.”

“Freedom must be a terrible burden, I guess.” 

As Hawke passed, Aveline rolled her eyes and Varric shrugged. It was hard for them to comprehend what he had gone through and she knew it was because he was hardly forthcoming. Still, the place _was_ a mess.

“They don’t understand,” he stated softly as she took a seat opposite him. “Yes I am free. Danarius is dead. Yet, it doesn’t feel like it should.” 

“You thought killing him would solve everything, but it doesn’t,” she made sure to pitch her voice so as to not aggravate. She could guess how he felt, probably better than their other friends but she still had no idea what it must have been like for him to live the life that he had.

“I suppose not. I thought if I didn’t need to run and fight to stay alive, I would finally be able to live as a free man does. But how is that? My sister is gone. I have nothing – not even an enemy.”

“Maybe that just means there’s nothing holding you back,” she offered as he stood, walking over to his desk and pulling out a bottle of wine. It was another fancy bottle from Tevinter. Even after all this time the stock seemed never-ending.

“Hmm. An interesting thought,” he took a deep swig and offered it to her. “Thank you, for helping me. I am aware you have _other_ problems on your mind.”

She sighed, her fingers brushing his as she accepted and took a long, slow dreg. It was strong and her eyes widened as she suppressed a cough. Perhaps the selection was running out after all, she thought as she wiped the back of her hands over her lips. “Andraste’s arse, what’s in this?”

Fenris chuckled at her expression as he collected the bottle from her. “A Tevinter speciality drink meant for occasions. Very expensive. Very potent. I believe it has witherstalk mixed within it.”  

“Potent is right,” she demanded the bottle back with an open hand and he smiled. Fenris’ smile always did something to her chest. His smiles were hard earned and yet she felt a responsibility to bring as many of them to him as possible. After the life he’d lived, a little smiling went a long way.

“Careful, Hawke. I do not wish to carry you home.” 

She snorted. “If I pass out, you are welcome to leave me where I lay,” she told him honestly and relishing the warmth that flowed through her as she drank.

“I shall remember that,” Fenris replied dryly as they began the back and forth with the bottle.  She felt her body relaxing but her mind was still apprehensive. She knew Fenris had noticed from the way he simply stared and because her sole focus was the wine.

It wasn’t long before they’d cleared the first bottle and Fenris appeared with another. The flavour was a little different but it hit the back of her throat the same way. She was swaying when Fenris finally breached their silent drinking.

 “You are troubled.”

“So are you,” she shot back.

He agreed with a nod. “Aren’t you usually the one who insists that drinking is not the solution?”

“No,” she insisted. “That’s Aveline.” 

“Do you wish to talk about it?”

“Honestly?” she turned to him and let whatever remained of the mask she wore so diligently drop, let him see the pain and anguish that hadn’t ever let up since she lost her mother. “I just want to forget about it for the night.”

“So let’s.”

There were at least four empty bottles littered around the room before the giggles started. Fenris had matched every drink for drink, every swig for swig. The room was swimming around the edges when she stood, needing to do something.

She made it one step before she fell forwards, she was laughing as she was caught in familiar arms, laughing right until the moment that she caught his gaze. Her laughter ceased as she ran her hand along his cheek.

Fenris closed his eyes, a small noise of protest escaping his lips. “ _Hawke_ ,” he murmured and it sounded like a warning.

Her fingertip traced the line of lyrium along his chin, following the pattern onto his neck. “You seem sad,” her words were slurred at the edges and she was leaning heavily against him, his hands upon her hips to steady her.

“Today has not been easy,” he replied and she nodded. She knew that feeling. She had not felt happy for a long time. Not completely.

“You deserve to be happy, Fenris,” she wrapped her arms around his neck.

As she pulled back, one of his hands came to her cheek she turned into the touch. Touch she had craved for so long. “As do you, Hawke.”

“You’re a good person,” she told him overwhelmed with a need to kiss him to convey how much she appreciated him. There was a protest, weak and buried beneath the weight of the alcohol coursing through her body, but she did not hear it.

It was meant to be a small thing as she pressed her lips against his, quick and chaste but she could not have expected the yearning the simple action released within her. Or Fenris’ response. His hands around her tightened as she leant more into the kiss, the hand upon her cheek sliding into her hair and gripping tightly.

She whimpered and gasped, his tongue plunging into her mouth as she did. She moaned at the feel of him, power all but crackling around her. Her hands, idle to that point, had locked around his neck and he walked her backwards, the few steps until her back hit the desk and he lifted her upon it.

“ _Ah_ ,” she groaned as his lips began to move, trailing down her neck as his hand slipped beneath her skirt, pushing the fabric up. The buckles of his armour were hard to undo but she persevered, hands focused on their goal as she removed the spikes and metal until she had the warmth of skin beneath her fingertips.

“ _Hawke_ ,” Fenris growled when she began tracing the lyrium. The noise lit her on fire even more than his touch and she leant forwards to trace her tongue along the nearest patch. The moans that filled the air encouraged her actions as his hands worked shakily to divest her of clothing. Finally, when the cool air hit her chest, he pulled her back, gentle for the dark of her eyes and told her, “You are maddening.”

Her response was to undo his trousers and snake her hand around him. He was straining already, beads of liquid at the tip that she spread around with her thumb. For one minute she had complete control, and then he spread her legs with his thigh and yanked her underwear off and she surrendered everything as he sank into her.

It was fast and hard as he thrust into her, her hands clutching to his back, her body pressed up against his. Their mouths clashed violently as he sucked and bit and she whimpered. The pressure built inside her quickly, the slight wisps that had sparked when their lips first met had been building but now was aflame. She gasped and moved against him, anything to get better friction.

The hand beneath her thigh, supporting her squeezed, lifting her up higher and then she wanted to scream. He was brushing against her and leaving sparks in her eyes with every thrust. Hawke lost all awareness of what she was saying or doing as she lost herself to that feeling.

“ _Fenris_!” she called as the world disappeared around her, her walls clutching to him as her nails dug in. His mouth covered hers and swallowed the rest of moans as she crested, slowly coming down.

His own cry was guttural, a strangled thing that escaped his throat as he filled her, hips shuddering before stilling. She dropped her head against his shoulder and they both stayed there panting for a long while.

Eventually, she felt a shift. Bleary-eyed she blinked and saw that he was carrying her, made no protest as he lay her down upon the bed before climbing in behind her. Her eyes were heavy and her mind exhausted as his arm wrapped over her waist. Hawke snuggled into the warmth and let the rest drip away.

 

\------

 

Hawke’s head was pounding as consciousness slowly came back to her. She idly lifted her hand to her forehead as she tried to recall what had happened. A hand tightened around her waist and she opened an eye to a shock of white before everything came back to her in alarming clarity.

She sat up hastily and instantly regretted it as her stomach rolled.

“Food will help,” Fenris’ gruff voice pierced the air and she wanted to cry. What had she done? How could she have let this happen? She felt on edge, her hands shaking as she turned to him. He looked so perfect, so content laying there upon the bed.

There was no armour and she knew that evidence of last night’s events still stained her body. His expression was measured. There was nothing that she could say that wouldn’t hurt him. Nothing she could do which wouldn’t end her friendship or relationship with either Fenris or Anders, or both.

Hawke just closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

Fenris gave her the time, not moving as he watched her try to think of anything at all that would save her from this mess.

“We – we can’t tell anyone,” she settled on swallowing heavily in her dry mouth. She didn’t want to look at his face. “I – I – “

Fenris’ hand smoothed down her back and it was more comforting that she could begin to let on. “I already lost you once, Hawke. There is nothing worse than the thought of losing you again. Take what time you need but know that this was no drunken mistake for me.” 

“ _Fenris_ ,” she turned eyes knitted together. It was cruel to let her know this now. Where was it three years ago? Where was it when she laid awake all night crying because he had left her?

“I am sorry for what happened before,” the motion was more graceful than she could manage as he sat up and brushed her hair from her eyes. “I was a coward and should have asked for your forgiveness long ago.”

The voice that had been silenced the previous night was full in her mind. Telling her to get out of bed. Telling her to go home and figure out what to tell Anders, that Fenris had his shot and destroyed it years ago but she couldn’t. He was offering her an explanation. Something she had dreamed of so many times.

“Why did you leave me?”

Her words were pained and he caught her around the waist, cradled her in his arms. “The pain, the memories – it was too much. I thought it better for you to hate me. It was what I deserved.” 

“I would have understood if you needed more time,” she told him, turned to him, and his eyes burned through her. The despair and tiniest hint of hope within them. “But Anders – “

“Is an abomination who doesn’t deserve you,” he told her without blinking, the words were said with such unwavering truth that she almost believed them before he dipped his head and added. “Though, after what I did, neither do I.”

“ _Fenris_ – “she didn’t know what to say or to do. What was he asking of her? What did he want? And could she give it to him even if she knew?

He didn’t want words as he merged their lips together. Her hands went to his chest but she did not push him away or pull him closer. It was short and chaste, their heads resting together afterwards. “I am here for you, Hawke. Always.”

Her heart had been pounding all morning, her mind at constant war so when he pressed his lips against hers again, she didn’t know what to do for best. As his body slowly guided hers down beneath his, she chose to feel rather than think.

 

\------

 

Hawke hadn’t had words for Fenris afterwards. They had dressed in silence and her cheeks flamed with guilt and shame whenever she looked at him. How could she have let this happen? How could she have let it happen _twice_?

She felt sick at herself and couldn’t blame it on the wine. Fenris had escorted her down to his door and kissed her cheek before she left. What it meant for them she wasn’t sure. Did he expect her to tell Anders the truth? Did he want her to come back to him? Just like that?

Everything was a mess, a bigger mess than before.

Her steps back home were slow. What would she do if he was there waiting for her? It would certainly be a change, she thought bitterly. Only to pinch her brow. It was close to mid-day and she knew she needed to bathe. Even if not for her _activities_ the previous night, she’d been fighting nonstop for the few days prior.

She held her head high as she entered her home but she was nervous.

“My lady, where have you been?”

“Work overran,” her first lie. “Is Anders home?”

“No, my lady.” 

Relief swept through her and then guilt that she was relieved. Maker, it was a mess. “Okay. Could you draw me a bath please?”

“Of course.”

As Bodahn busied around, she went to her room to undress. Her room was cold and uninhabited. The bed was untouched, the curtains still drawn and she doubted that Anders had even come home that night. Was it so terrible that she sought out the company of another when she was neglected so?

 _Yes_ , she thought. _Yes, it was_.

She bathed for a long time. Until her skin was wrinkly and the water cool. She thought of what she could say, what she would do, how she would save things with Anders, _if_ she wanted to save things with him. It was a mess and in the end she was simply going around in circles in her mind.

“There’s no use, Marian,” she swallowed hard as sat upon her bed, leaving a trail of water from the bath. “You’ll need to go see him.”

And so she did.

It took until the early evening before she built up courage enough to head out. Even then she’d checked herself in the mirror multiple times, looking for any outward sign that she had been unfaithful. It was silly, she was going to tell him anyway but she wanted to tell him, didn’t want him to just find out.

 There was someone leaving the clinic when she arrived and that gave her hope he would be there. Anders had his back to her when she approached but she kept her distance, stopping to lean against the wall closest to him.

He looked at her with cool eyes. “Hawke. Made your decision yet?”

For one terrifying moment, she thought that he knew and then it hit her. Reminded her that they were currently in an argument. Guilt made her nod. “I will.”

His face changed, eyes lighting and for one moment he was the same man that she fell in love with. “I knew I could count on you. Go to the Chantry, distract the Grand Cleric. I’ll meet you there.”

He turned, she was dismissed, he had what he wanted and she hesitated, wanting to speak the truth but instead she cowered, turned to do as he wanted.

The entire time she was in the Chantry there was something under her skin. She had been told to talk about the mages but Elthina looked at her softly and instead asked, “What troubles you, child?”

“I – “her shoulders slumped and she considered this is what mothers were for. “I made a mistake. At least, I think it was a mistake. I don’t know anymore.”

Elthina directed them over to the nearest pews. “What sort of mistake?”

“A man mistake.”

Elthina smiled ruefully, softly shaking her head. “Only you can decide what you want and need but I find that honesty is key.”

“But what if honesty means that I lose everything?”

“When one door closes, another opens,” Elthina told her looking upwards. “For you in particular. Now, what is it that truly brought you here?”

She took a deep breath. This was why she was here, wasn’t it? “Hypothetically, if one group were being oppressed by another. Wouldn’t the maker favour the oppressed?”

“You speak of the mages. It’s no secret that you count apostates among your friends, Champion. You have done much to fan the flames of rebellion here. We must give Meredith and Orsino time to work out their differences. No good can come from showing favour to one side.”

“I guess this means you’re not ready to disband the Templars and set every mage free?”

“I feel for the mages, I do. I would not wish to be locked in the Gallows. But I cannot take sides. We’re all the Maker’s creatures, but magic allows abuses beyond the scope of mortals. I only hope I can balance the needs of everyone. For if it comes to war, it will be the people of this city who will lose.”

“There you are,” Hawke turned at the sight of Anders and knew there was something off. “I’ve been looking for you all over. Your Grace.”

“Your soul is troubled, child. I hope you found a balm for it here.”

They departed together, the burning question of what he had done on the tip of her mind. It didn’t feel right. The cool air hit them and reminded her that she needed to speak to him, paused just outside to turn to him.

“Anders,” she spoke softly and he turned that same agitation there that she had seen growing for the last two years. “Are you coming home?”

“No,” he glanced down the steps before turning back to her. “I have some things left to do. I’ll return later.”

There were no thanks, no question, he simply left her alone. How was this a relationship? She wondered as she watched him slink off into the night.

Hawke stayed awake long past the time that she felt she could wait, knowing that they needed this discussion. Hours passed and the sun was rising when her eyes gave out and she dropped where she sat at her desk.

She woke feeling groggy and with paper stuck to her face, Anders manifesto leaving a lovely imprint on her cheek. With a low groan, she gave up on trying to sort that out immediately. At some point, he would come home and she would talk to him about it then.

\------

 

When Hawke was uneasy, she liked to kill things. And the Wounded Coast was always a good shout. Picking up Aveline first, then Fenris and Varric, they headed out and she killed everything that came near them with a blade.

“Everything okay, Broody?” Varric asked as Hawke checked the latest set of bodies and chests for anything of value. It was dirty work but it was part of the job. “You seem a little more _intense_ than usual?”

“I do not know what you are referring too, dwarf.”

Hawke felt his anger and winced as she opened the chest, trying her hardest to ignore the conversation, even knowing that it was her fault. She’d seen him staring at her all day, his gaze was intense and more than once he’d leapt in front of her to slice an enemy in half.

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

Aveline came close to Hawke as she was holding up a gem stone, trying to decide if it was worth the space in her pack carrying it home. “You okay?”

Hawke flicked her gaze up then back to the gem before throwing it into her pack. “Yeah fine.”

“You seem more blood-thirsty today. And quiet,” she pitched her voice lower. “Everything okay at home?”

“No,” she didn’t even try to hide it, straightening and shouldering her pack. “Not everyone is as lucky as you and Donnic.”

Aveline blushed and that made Hawke smile. She was genuinely happy for Aveline and watching them together filled her with a want for what she had once had. Although it had never been that easy for them.

“If you need to talk,” she moved away, the rest of the sentence unnecessary, but as she did Hawke made contact with Fenris.

Squaring her shoulders, she went up to him, Aveline leading the way back without her and Varric leaving them to their conversation. “Fenris,” her voice was pitched low where only he could hear.  

“Hawke.”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you?”

“Not particularly,” she commented and glanced up to the others, seeing they were out of sight and stilling them. “I don’t know what to do. I tried to speak to Anders but – “

“Let me guess, he hasn’t been around?”

The words cut and she turned her head to the side her own admittance that what he said was true. Fenris stepped closer to her, picking her chin up with his thumb and forefinger to lift her gaze. “What do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Figure that out and the rest will follow.” 

Letting her go, he walked away and she had to take a few deep breaths before she made strides to catch up with the others.

They stayed out until late and when they made it back from the Wounded Coast, it was well past midnight. They had to fight at least one group of criminals in each part of Kirkwall which slowed them down again.

The lights were off inside her home when she entered, a solitary candle left lit in the antechamber for her. She had begun undressing, kicking off her boots at the door and undoing fastenings as she headed into her room. She was about to light a candle when she saw him.

The tell-tale bump beneath the covers. It was the first time she had physically seen him there in months. Quietly, she moved around the bed to consider him. He looked exhausted, even in sleep, as if there was no rest.

Heavy as her desire to speak to him was, she couldn’t bring herself to wake him. Instead, she finished undressing and climbed into bed. He didn’t stir as she slipped under the covers, didn’t move close to her like he used to. Instead they were two people simply going through the motions.

When she woke the following morning, he was gone.

\------

 

Hawke debated her action for a long time before she finally headed out to Fenris’ house. It was their weekly reading lesson. Hawke hadn’t actively ignored anyone but she had felt the strain between her and Fenris. He wanted her to figure out what she wanted and she didn’t have a clue.

Perhaps what she wanted was what Fenris was offering her now but with Anders. Or maybe that had already run its course. Either way she knew that she was attracted to Fenris and just wished he had acted on his feelings years ago when she was ready and able to accept him.

How long would Fenris give her? She knew he would not share her. Perhaps the only reason he was offering her this was because Anders was so clearly not interested in her. Should that make her feel better or worse? She wasn’t sure.

There was no point on knocking on Fenris’ door and so she let herself in and walked up the stairs. The smell of food caught her attention and she was genuinely surprised to see two plates laid out on the table as Fenris sat upon the floor before the fire, his book in his lap.

“What is this word?” he greeted when she entered, not looking up as he lifted the book and pointed to the word with his finger.

Moving over to him, she crouched and smiled. “Inundated.”

“Ah. My thanks.”

She sat down beside him, leaning against the benches they usually occupied. “You cooked?”

“It’s nothing special. Varric has started sending food parcels to my home. I appreciate the thoughts but I cannot eat it all.”

She raised her eyebrow at that. Varric was a damn good friend without ever being asked. “I didn’t know you cooked.”

“I can do a great many things. My tasks as a slave were not limited to fighting.”

“Oh.”

Fenris turned to Hawke and smiled softly. “I was uncertain that you would come.” 

“So was I,” she smiled ruefully, directing her gaze to the book within his lap. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Fenris passed the book along and without asking read aloud to her. This time, her full attention was upon him, carefully correcting every now and again but they were getting to the point that he would no longer need her. The thought was not a pleasant one for Hawke.

They finished three chapters before he closed the book and looked to Hawke. “We should eat. If you are willing.”

He stood first and she accepted his hand, sitting as he uncorked a bottle of wine. She raised her brow as he poured some into a goblet for her. “What wine is this?”

His smirk was telling. “Something far less potent than last time.”

“Anything is potent enough if you drink four bottles of it.”

He chuckled and she smiled, taking a sip. It was pleasant and as he said, not as strong as their previous drink. The food was good and wholesome even if the flavours were different than she had grown to expect from home. It reminded her more of Orana’s cooking than Bodahn’s, a link that made it less enjoyable.

She felt Fenris’ eyes upon her as she ate and resisted the urge to make a comment about if she had something on her face until after she was finished, his plate similarly clean.

“Some people say it’s rude to stare,” Hawke commented playfully as he drank from his goblet.

“I am just trying to decide what could be important enough to give up you.”

“He hasn’t given me up,” Hawke defended although it was hardly an argument that could stand scrutiny. “And he would not be the first to do so.”

She said the words softly, knowing it was measured blow that hit Fenris. He stood and moved around the table, holding his hand out to her.

Not knowing what to expect, she accepted, quickly being pulled up and into his arms. His heart beating against hers as their chests touched. “A mistake I will try to rectify for the rest of my life, if you would let me.”

“ _Fenris_ ,” she protested but it was weak.

“Will you let me show you tonight?” his hand was trailing patterns along her side, lighting fires within her skin, sparks down her spine.

“I shouldn’t – “

“Do you want to?”

The words hit her. Not what she should or shouldn’t do but what she wanted. And she wanted. “Yes.”

His lips were on her in an instant and after that she made no protest or urge to stop him.

\----

“We can’t keep doing this,” she told him the following morning, tying the laces on her boots. The words were true but she didn’t necessarily want to stop. Fenris made her feel loved, brought back all those feelings she had thought she had given up when she had fallen for Anders.

Apparently she was wrong about that too.

“It would be _better_ if I did not have to share you.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow. “So you would have me leave Anders?”

“Is that not obvious?” Fenris told her as he stood up wrapping his hands around her waist. “I will not force you to make a decision yet, Hawke, but you are right. This cannot go on forever.”

She did not resist the kiss he gave her.

When she returned home, it was empty as usual and Hawke asked herself why exactly she was waiting for Anders to see sense.  

­-----

The note had been left in the most obvious places she could think. She had also told Bodahn to pass along the message if he saw Anders. She needed to talk to him. If nothing else, she wanted to get everything off of her chest and see where it led her.

It was a simple request. She wanted him to come home, she told him only that they needed to talk and set a time. Hawke had thought that something so serious would mean he had to come.

The hour came and the house was empty – she’d given Bodahn, Sandal and Orana the night off in case things got heated – she alternated between pacing the main hallway, dropping down to the vault and access from the clinic, and wandering around her bedroom.

Why wasn’t he there? Did he care so little about her now that he ignored her? What if he just hadn’t gotten her message? She turned her nose up at that one. She’d been leaving these notices for two days.

Hawke was in her room, two hours later, when she heard the front door go. She made quick strides towards it only to pause at the sight of Fenris.

“I wasn’t expecting you,” she told him and felt a flicker of fear that Anders would come home then and there.

“You cannot rely on Anders, Hawke.”

Fenris made steps towards her, her heart pounding as he moved towards her. What was he planning? She sank into his touch as his fingers brushed through her hair and gasped as his lips brushed against her.

“I cannot stop thinking of you,” he growled his steps guiding her backwards.

“We cannot,” she insisted when his hands went to the tie on her finery but he brushed her concerns aside, a kiss to her neck.

“If he returns home, let him fight for you. If not, you know he does not care.”

“ _Fenris_ – “

“Tell me to stop and I will,” he murmured as he pushed the fabric off of her shoulders. There was a chill in the air but wherever he touched her she felt on fire. When his fingers slipped beneath her underwear she whimpered and let everything go.

It was after. After touches and kisses, after screams of pleasure and the world failing to matter, after when she lay in his arms and he gently stroked her hair that she realised that this was what should have been. What could have been if he hadn’t walked out on her three years ago.

She could blame him but she didn’t want to. The decisions since that brought them back here were a combination of both of them.

It was late and Fenris had been right again. Anders hadn’t come home.

“I could go,” Fenris said voice low and lighting fire within her. “If you wanted.”

She knew what he was offering. He was offering to keep this a secret for longer if she wanted. To give her the time that she needed but it wasn’t fair. None of this was. Not fair to Fenris, not fair to Anders and not fair to her.

All she wanted was to talk to Anders but it felt as though he were ignoring her.

In the end, she snuggled back further into his embrace and sighed. “Stay.”

“Regardless of your decision, Hawke. I will never leave again.”

\-----

 

There was still no sign of Anders the next day and she bit her tongue when she opened the letter from First Enchanter Orsino and knew she would be going after mages. She would have wanted Anders with her and he should have been at home with her, instead she took Fenris, knowing she could rely on him at least.

There were others too, Varric and Aveline came and Isabela would have done too if she had asked. Hawke had been all sarcasm with Keran, wondering why he couldn’t keep out of these situations until he told her they had Carver.

“Fenris,” he made steps towards her and regardless of the others she was glad of it. Needing the comfort. “They have Carver.”

“We will get him back.”

“We better,” she swore and he nodded. Varric and Aveline didn’t need to be told before they followed suit.

The walk to the Wounded Coast was long and silent. Neither Varric nor Aveline dared to speak about what might have happened or bring levity to the situation and Hawke was all fire and brimstone, imagining the ways she’d tear apart mage or Templar if they had injured or killed Carver. Fenris was by her side through it all, not quite touching but close enough that all she’d have to do was ask.

It took all of her strength not to just kill Samson when he approached them at the coast.

“I suppose it was too much to hope that you wouldn’t have come here,” Thrask spoke but her eyes were on her brother. He wasn’t moving. Why wasn’t he moving? “Though I can’t understand why you side with Meredith now. You showed me we can stand up to her. When I realised you had risked your life lying to protect those mages… Please Champion, I have nothing but respect for you. It’s Meredith we must see gone.”

“Your cause is just but I take issue with your methods.”

“I should have known you would recognise the threat that Meredith poses. I apologise for any distress we caused you or your friends. Let the hostage go.”

“No! The boy dies. Then the Champion.”

“Stand down, Grace.”

“Do this and I will kill you all,” Hawke warned moving her hand towards her staff.

“We will not kill an innocent to achieve our ends,” Thrask tried to placate. “It gains us nothing to become Meredith.”

“Meredith! What do I care for Meredith? I’m here for the Champion.”

“I’ve been wondering when you’d come back to bite me in the ass,” Hawke drawled but her eyes kept flickering down to Carver. One look to Fenris told her he was ready, another to Aveline and Varric said the same.

“Decimus was right. There is no way for a mage to live by the Chantry’s laws. You killed the best man I ever met. But I learned all he had to teach. Alain, kill the hostage.”

“I-I don’t know, Grace – “

“Try to do a blood mage a favour,” Hawke spoke with thinly veiled anger.

“This isn’t right, Grace. The Champion tried to help us.”

“Don’t defy me boy,” Hawke was surprised at the slap Grace doled out on Alain. “Without me, you’d be nothing. If you’re too squeamish, I’ll do it myself!”

“No! No one has to die here,” Thrask stepped between Grace and Carver before Hawke could even move.

“Oh! That’s where you’re wrong.”

“Restrain yourself!”

Hawke knew what was coming the moment that Grace raised her staff and she could have tried to intervene but Hawke only needed one reason to end this woman’s life. Her one regret was how Grace so easily dispatched Thrask. She might not have agreed with him of late but he deserved more than that.

“Forget the hostage! Kill the Champion.”

“They never learn,” Hawke muttered already summoning a fire storm down upon their enemies. The fight was made harder for the presence of mages and Templars but her team were well-versed in battles by now.

Still, Hawke was panting by the time there were no more bodies left twitching. She dropped her hands onto her legs to breathe, feeling drained of mana when Fenris placed a hand on her back. It grounded her and had her moving over to Carver’s side.

Hawke stared at Alain.

“I knew she was alive but I didn’t know that Thrask was still working with her. When I saw her today it brought everything back, everything I saw Decimus do. I – I’m sorry. Grace used blood magic to hold him. There’s no other way to wake him up.”

There were no words to say. She could not condone his actions but neither would she stop them to bring her brother back and so she watched silent until he stood.

“Get out my way – What? Where am I?”

“I promise, I’ll never let anything like this happen again,” she told him sincerely when his gaze settled upon her.

“Thank you, sister. It seems that I am once again in your debt, and your shadow.”

“Carver – “

Whatever words she might have wanted to say were squashed by the arrival of Samson with Cullen and the Templars. Hawke spoke in favour of Alain and mercy for the others who were more like Thrask then Grace but by the time she was done, Carver was walking away with the other Templars.

It was a deep regret of hers that Carver was so unwilling to speak to her. She could pretend that he was too busy to write but it wasn’t the truth. Just another person in her life who didn’t want to be there.

They went back to the Gallows and spoke to Orsino and by the end of it she was glad Anders hadn’t come. It would have only made him angry and bitter, increase the chances that she would find herself side-by-side with Vengeance and not Anders.

Hawke knew the whole group was exhausted when they boarded the ferry across to the docks. Aveline and Varric were chatting amongst themselves whilst she sat at the back, eyes cast to the Gallows. Would nothing be simple anymore?

She missed Lothering where her biggest fear was being caught by the Templars. Here everything was a risk and not just for her but all of those around her.

There was movement to her side, someone sitting beside her. “Hello Fenris.”

“This cannot have been an easy day.”

“Days like these are becoming surprisingly common,” she retorted and turned to face him. Those olive eyes were locked on hers, his hand taking cover over hers. The action was hidden, the twist in her body meaning that their hands were obstructed from view behind her legs but she appreciated it all the same.

“Carver is a fool harbouring old grudges,” Fenris spoke and she smirked at the irony but didn’t call upon it. “He will change with time.”

“It’s been years already,” she recalled but he was trying to comfort. Something she knew he was not good at. She remembered how he had visited her not long after her mother died. Anders had been out and he had simply sat beside her offering whatever support he could. “But I hope you’re right.”

 “Would you like to be alone tonight?”

The question was loaded. Realistically, she shouldn’t be alone anyway because she should be sharing her life with the man she allowed to move into her home, the man who claimed to love her and she loved back. Instead if she went home that evening it would be to an empty bed and a cold room. And if she were to stay alone, what would that mean? Just more misery and time with her head.

It was not as though it would do anymore damage to seek comfort in the arms of another. Not given everything else.

Instead, she turned her hand over under his, let their fingers link together and shook her head. “Not really.” 

Fenris nodded. It was a calm moment in a lifetime of action. They landed back at the docks soon after, walking back to the Hanged Man with Varric who invited them in for drinks but Aveline declined needing to go back to the Keep and Hawke wasn’t in the mood.

Instead, the three of them headed up towards Hightown. Aveline departed at the marketplace, checking in on one of her patrols leaving the two of them. The sun was set and she sighed heavily. She knew what she should do but was it what she wanted?

As they walked up the stairs to his estate, he wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her forehead. It was so domestic and sweet that she felt her heart swell and tears spring to her eyes, tears she quickly brushed away.

They reached the door and she turned to him as he unlocked it, blurting out, “Why do you even bother with a key? Maker knows there’s nothing to steal in there.”

Fenris chuckled, pulling her close to kiss her before he opened the door and walked her in. “Now there is.”

“When did you become such a romantic?”

“When I fell in love with you.”

She swallowed hard. The feeling reciprocated in her chest but she was unable to say the words. Not then. Not with Anders and everything else. So she did what she could and she merged their lips.

 

\-----

“My, my, now isn’t this delicious?”

The sound woke them both, Hawke letting out a little squeak as she sat up only to find Isabela perched on the table, eyeing them both with pure amusement. Hawke’s hands immediately went to the covers, ensuring she was partially decent as Fenris moved in front of her, as if to shield her.

“What right have you to enter unannounced? Get out.”

“Aren’t we touchy?” Isabela slid off the desk, picking up something and throwing it at Hawke. She wanted to die with embarrassment when she realised it was her underwear. “Hawke here owes me a trip to the coast. When you’re decent, I’ll be outside.”

And just like that she sauntered outside and whatever safety net Hawke had built for herself, whatever lies she had told to convince her mind that she could keep this up until Anders came home, until the right moment, crumbled. She put her head into her hands and let out a low sound. Fenris said nothing.

They both hurriedly got dressed, neither speaking at all as she readjusted her robes, tried to calm her hair. Not until they were both decent and he turned to face her, catching her hips. “Do you wish for my company to the Wounded Coast?”

She smiled and leant up to kiss him, a thanks for the suggestion. “No. I don’t think I could deal with Isabela if we did.”

It was no surprise to find Isabela only just outside the door to his bedroom, a very smug expression gracing her lips. She stepped forwards only to be pulled backwards, Fenris merging his lips with her. The kiss was a claim and her knees wanted to buckle under the intensity of it, even more so with the gaze he levelled at her before turning and returning to his room.

Isabela, understandably, was like a little puppy bouncing around Hawke.

Thankfully, she waited to speak until they were outside, at which point she grabbed Hawke by the shoulders and shook her. It hurt. “Andraste’s arse, Hawke! How? What? When? _Fenris_?”

“Isabela, please – “

The pirate let her go but her eyes were still wide as sauces as she considered her friend. “I need details.”

“I am really not in the mood.”

“But you promised to go out with me!”

“ _Urgh_ ,” Hawke had. She remembered. Vaguely. Isabela had made her drink first. Whenever she went on one of Isabela’s wild goose chases it started with alcohol. Maybe that was the clue she kept missing. “Fine, but I need to go home and get changed first.”

“I bet you do, you dirty girl.”

“Isabela!”

“Fine, fine. I’ll wait until we’re at your house. Oh, but what if Anders is there?”

It was said in a way to draw a response from her. To let Isabela see her panic about her predicament, instead Hawke merely said, “He won’t be,” and started walking.

As predicted, the only people in her home were those who worked for her and Bodahn was all too willing to prepare a bath as she headed upstairs with Isabela on her tail. The woman was waiting, silently waiting as Bodahn prepared the bath, following her into the washroom and sitting in the windowsill as Hawke sank into the warm water.

With the warm water soothing her body, she let her mind take a hit and finally said, “Fine. Ask.”

“You and Fenris. Naked in a bed together.”

“Yes.”

“Room wreaking of sex.”

“Yes.”

Her eyes lit up and so Hawke closed hers and dropped her head backwards over the edge of the tub. “How? No, better question. When did it start?”

“A few weeks ago,” she sighed against the anxiety and shame in her chest. It was one thing to know these things, something else entirely to have them laid out before her by Isabela.

“Okay,” Hawke imagined Isabela’s mind working ten to the dozen trying to figure out what else to ask. “Why? How? I thought you and Anders – “

“Anders isn’t around anymore.”

“You broke up?”

“Not… quite.”

“Hawke! I _am_ surprised. Impressed too. Maybe I’ve rubbed off on you.”

She didn’t want to explain, didn’t want to defend herself but she felt the need to say, “I haven’t had a full conversation with Anders in over a week. Not slept with him in months. He’s too caught up in his mage rebellion.”

Isabela was quiet for a long moment and Hawke feared she’d ask more about her and Anders. The more she spoke about it, the more it felt like she at fault. That she should have tried harder.

Instead, she said, “Good for you. Fenris is just delicious to look at too, isn’t he?”

Her nose twitched and it was her only response.

“Can I join in?”

“No.”

“You know,” Isabela said as Hawke washed. “Fenris seemed pretty possessive. Is this a bit more than just a fling?”

“I – “she hesitated. “Could you pass me a towel?”

Isabela chuckled and did as she asked all but throwing the towel into the tub. Hawke scowled as she got out, drying off uncaring about Isabela’s obvious gaze. Isabela left her to finish getting dressed and waited in the hallway for her to emerge battle ready.

“Remind me why we’re going to the Wounded Coast again?” Hawke asked as she straightened her sleeve.

“Treasure hunting. I got a tip from a friend that ten years ago a big old ship crashed and the treasure was never recovered until – “

“Today?” she guessed, shaking her head. “There’s not going to be anything there, you know.”

“I’ve already found enough treasure for the day to keep me stated,” Isabela smirked, throwing a smile over her shoulder. It made Hawke think.

“If you were looking for me, why did you go to Fenris’ house?”

“It’s on the way.”

“Isabela?”

“He has really pretty eyes?”

Hawke rolled her own. “Come on, Isabela. Let’s get this over with.”

\-----

 

Seven hours of her life. Seven.

She had countless scratch marks from the bushes that Isabela made her climb through and what had they found? A little comb with a ruby inside. It _was_ pretty but not worth the seven hours. Worse than the seven hours was that it was seven hours most of which dedicated to her, Fenris, Anders, and how they’d make an amazing foursome. The conversation was potentially more tiresome than the expedition. It had taken a lot to make Isabela promise to keep her secret, at least until she was ready. For the pirate it was clearly a tossup of how much it would ruin Hawke’s life compared to how much entertainment she would get from spreading it around.

She was glad that her friendship meant more to her than a few hours’ entertainment.

Hawke had done a lot of thinking with Isabela’s questions. What she wanted. What she could deal with and take. Fenris had hurt her those years ago when he left but knew it was a mistake. Had made his intentions very clear. Anders had loved her and together they would have been a changing force for the mages but now he had shut her out. From his plans, from his life, from his bed.

And was he even Anders anymore? He had been slipping away more and more since she had met him and now when she looked at the man, she wasn’t sure it wasn’t Vengeance. She needed to talk to him but her decision was made. There were very few occasions were Hawke put herself before others but even she had limits.

When she entered her estate, she kicked off her boots and called out. “Bodahn? Please tell me dinners ready. Isabela made me scale every rock known to man looking for her treasure. I’m lucky I didn’t break an ankle.” 

“Messere,” the dwarf came forwards with wide-eyes as if he had seen a ghost. “Ser Anders is here.”

If she had been drinking she would have spat it out again as she turned. “ _Anders_?” she repeated as he nodded. “About this tall? Blonde hair, scruffy stubble, always talking about mages rights, that, Anders?”

“Yes, my lady.”

“You know, I can hear you,” Anders called and Hawke was honestly stunned to see him atop the stairs looking as he had a thousand times before he had begun to slip away. It wasn’t quite true. There were bags under his eyes and his face was gaunter in a way it hadn’t been when he was getting regular meals.

“Do you hear something, Bodahn?” she finally drawled crossing her arms and looking upstairs. “It couldn’t possibly be Anders. I’ve not seen him for weeks.”

“I deserve that,” he admitted, shuffling his feet. “It’s just – “

“You’ve been incredibly busy with all things mage. It’s fine, Anders. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that,” he replied and came down the stairs when he realised she wouldn’t be going up. She hadn’t known how she would feel when she finally saw him of his own violation but she hadn’t expected the anger that she felt.

“Why are you here?”

“I do live here,” Anders commented crossing his arms. Hawke vaguely saw Bodahn, Sandal and Orana retreating and couldn’t blame them.

“You used to. At the moment I have no idea where you sleep but it’s certainly not beside me.”

“Is this about what happened in the Chantry?”

“Partially.” There was a lot more than that but they needed to start somewhere.

“I needed to do that and you don’t need to know anything more.”

“Actually, I do.”

“Why is it so hard for you to trust me? You never used to have this problem.”

“I never used to have to wonder where you were or when you were coming home. I was never before left in the dark about who your contacts were or _lied_ to so you could get my cooperation. Why lie, Anders? Why not just ask me?”

“It was too important.”

“If it were ‘too important’ why didn’t you tell me? I would have helped!”

 “I couldn’t be sure of that.”

“Why?” she shook her head and crossed her arm knowing that this conversation was going nowhere. “Why are you here today, Anders?”

The apostate dropped his gaze. “I came to check on you. I heard what happened at the coast with Carver – I thought you might want to talk.”

“How did you find that out?”

“I spoke to Varric.”

“Oh, so him you’ll speak to?” she threw back. This was why they weren’t working. Part of it anyway. 

“Clearly I was mistaken thinking that you’d need me,” Anders huffed and it hit her square in the chest. No matter what had happened she did still care about him and what he thought.

“I always needed you, Anders,” her voice was low and sad but she lifted her gaze to meet his.

“Hawke, love – “ 

She shook her head. She couldn’t hear that. Not now. 

Instead of pushing further, he kept his distance and sighed. “I guess I’ll go then. I have some business in Darktown. I’ll be back as soon as it’s done and then maybe we can talk.”

“Maybe,” she replied.

Anders stepped closer and took hold of her forearms, one in each hand. She refused to unfold her arms as he pressed a kiss into her forehead. The action made her heart ache and her eyes water.

“I love you.”

Hawke closed her eyes against his words and gave as much as she could bare, leaning forwards to push their foreheads together. He placed a second kiss against her and then stepped back and she felt something shift in her heart as he walked out the door. Something irreversible.

\-----

Anders didn’t come home that night. Not whilst it could be called night anyway.

Bodahn woke her at the crack of dawn to inform her of the letter that came from the Gallows and, after reading the letter, she could not deny the importance of it. Hawke was almost dressed, just doing her boots by the door when it opened, Anders walking through.

“Hawke,” his voice was apologetic but she shook her head.

“We need to go. Orsino and Meredith – “ 

“Alright. Let’s go.”

“We need Fenris,” Hawke straightened and grabbed her staff. “And the others too.” 

“We’ll get them on route.”

With a nod, they departed. If Hawke had known what was to come she might have insisted that they stay and talk. Instead they separated to quickly grab their friends before meeting back up and heading out to the Gallows. It felt like a waste of time as they were redirected back to Lowtown and worse so for Anders and Fenris being in such proximity. Having Isabela smirking didn’t help either.

Hawke blocked it all out in favour of what lay before them. Whatever had been going on between Templar and mage was reaching a boiling point.

When they arrived, Meredith and Orsino were already arguing.

“The way you two carry on, people will talk,” Hawke greeted trying to diffuse the situation but all it earned her were two very powerful, very annoyed eyes cast upon her.

“This does not involve you, Champion,” Meredith demanded coming close to Hawke. Perhaps it would have been intimidating if she weren’t Hawke.

“I called her here,” Orsino intervened. “I think the people deserve to know just what you’ve done.”

“What I have done is to protect the people of this city, time and again. What I have done is protect you mages from your curse and your own stupidity. And I will not stop doing it. I will not lower out guard. I dare not!” 

“Does the word ‘crazy’ mean anything to you?” Hawke intervened her rant scowling at the woman. How could she not see what was happening? How insane she sounded?

“What other option do we have? Tell me Champion, that you have not seen with your own eyes what they can do, heard the lies of mages who seek power?”

“Some of us want exactly what you want, Meredith. We’re not the enemy.”

“You would cast as all as villains, but it is not so,” Orsino tried to reason where none would happen.

“I know and it breaks my heart to do it but we must be vigilant. If you cannot tell me another way, do not call me tyrant.”

“This is getting us nowhere. Grand Cleric Elthina will put a stop to this.”

“You will not bring her grace into this!” Meredith pulled on Orsino and Hawke let out a deep breath. This would not end well.

“The grand cleric cannot help you!” Anders declared and she felt all eyes turn to him, even her own in shock and fear as he stepped between the two of them.

“Explain yourself, mage!” Meredith demanded and Hawke had the same questions on her lips.

“I will not stand by and watch you treat all mages like criminals,” he bashed his staff down and Hawke felt fear grip her heart at the intent in his eyes. This was no longer Anders. “While those who would lead us bow to their Templar jailers.”

“How dare you – “

Another bash. “The circle has failed us, Orsino! Even you should be able to see that!”

“Anders!” Hawke called when he glowed with the familiar power of Vengeance when his eyes glazed and he ignored all as he continued to speak.

“The time has come to act. There can be no half measures.”

“Anders,” she moved to his side. “What have you done?”

“There can be no turning back.”

The very ground beneath them shook and she felt Fenris come to her side, ready to protect and defend, but what they felt was nothing compared to the blinding light that sprung forth from the chantry. The red stain of death as debris spread and fires caught throughout the city. Hawke was lost to the chaos for long minutes as Sebastian called out in pain, as Meredith and Orsino declared their war.

“It can’t be stopped now,” Anders declared and she just wanted him to stop. How could he do this? So many lives! How could she have helped him? She felt sick to her stomach to look at him.

Orsino was pleading. “You have to choose.”

“This won’t be easy,” Hawke swallowed but she couldn’t turn her back on her own. “But I’ll defend you.” 

“What about Anders?” Sebastian demanded and she feared the vehemence in his voice. She listened to her friend’s lament if they could follow but her eyes were on Anders as he moved to a small box, back turned away from her.

“Think carefully, Champion. Stand with them and you will share their fate.”

Meredith’s words brought her back and she glanced over her friends before responding. “I can live with that.”  

Hawke turned to Fenris, saw the indecision in his eyes before he let out a heavy breath and nodded. He would not abandon her and neither would Aveline. It didn’t stop Meredith from trying to kill her then but they worked as a unit as they always had and it was not long before they were all that remained. Fenris fought by her side without waiver.

“So it’s come to this,” Orsino spoke as he looked over the bodies. “I don’t know if we can win this war, Champion, but thank you. I will leave your – _friend_ – for you to deal with. I must return to the Gallows. Meet me there as soon as you can.”

Hawke moved to stand behind Anders. How had it come to this? Why was his life hers to decide? She wanted to scream at him. 

“There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself,” he spoke first and his words cut her. The shame inside them. The knowledge and guilt over what he had done. “I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever to achieve this. This is the justice that all mages have awaited.”

“I might have understood if you’d only told me,” she chastised not sure if she actually could or would but knowing she would have considered it.

“I wanted to tell you. But what if you stopped me? Or worse, what if you wanted to help me? I couldn’t let you do that. The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending the circle is a solution. And if I pay for that with my life, then I pay. Perhaps then Justice would at least be free.”

“Anders,” she breathed out. “I – I don’t know what to do.”

“You know what you need to do, Hawke. He murdered innocent people. He murdered Elthina!”

“Oh shut up, Sebastian,” she rubbed at her forehead. “Opinions?”

Hawke listened to each companion speak, surprised by none but her decision was still uncertain. How could she make him pay? How could she justify this? Any of this?

“ _Anders_ ,” she spoke voice soft and just for him.

He let out a low exhale and returned in kind. “I always knew I’d break your heart.”

“Anders, no – “

“Let’s stop pretending. Marian,” and she closed her eyes at the use of her name. “I know. I know about Fenris and I am glad about it. I didn’t want to lose you but I did nothing to stop you leaving. I want you to be happy and that will never happen with Justice and I. So do what you need to do and know that I forgive you.”

She closed her eyes as the tear escaped it. “How long have you known?”

“Since the first night you didn’t come home.”

“Anders, I’m sorry – “

“And I’m not,” he turned so that she could see the sincerity in his eyes. “You deserve more than I can give you.”

“How could you let me? Why didn’t you stop me?”

“It was not my place.”

“Of course it was your place!” she yelled but she was shaking too and he turned back around.

“Do what you need to.”

“Just go, Anders,” she murmured half turned away. She could not kill him, not even if it was justice, but she could not stay with him either. It was the end for them, perhaps it had been that way from the beginning, or just from the moment she turned to another. Regardless, there was no room in her heart to forgive him here.

“No, you cannot let this abomination walk free. He dies or I am returning to Starkhaven,” Sebastian demanded as Anders stood. “And I will bring back such an army with me on my return that they’ll be nothing left of Kirkwall for these maleficarum to rule!”

“Do not interfere, Sebastian,” she warned not having the restraint she needed not with everything happening as it was.

“I will not fight you, Hawke. My death here now would serve nothing. I will return to Starkhaven but, I swear to you. I will come back and find your precious Anders. I will teach him what true justice is!”   

Hawke watched Sebastian walk away and it did not fill her with grief as it would have if it were one of the others. Instead she turned as Anders spoke, “Thank you for my life, Hawke. I’ll try not to makes such a mess of it this time.”

“Just go,” she walked away and led them off.

Varric was right when he told them they needed to get to the Gallows. It truly was certainly going to be a spectacular show.

It was none stop death, fighting and fires as they made their way to the barges. She felt sick whenever she saw a mages lifeless form and afraid that behind every helm would be Carver’s face and not another nameless Templar’s. Above all, watching the blood magic was the worst and she did not hesitate to put those mages down.

There were no breaks or stopping as they moved and less conversation than ever. They were all focused on the war around them and she had no words.

There were still a few boats left when they arrived and she could see fire in the Gallows, the occasional flash of light that filled her with fear. She stood at the front of the barge and watched it grow closer. When Fenris came to stand beside her, she leant her head upon his shoulder and his arm wrapped around her waist.

“Stay with me?” she asked.

“Always.”

 


End file.
